BFN, but is it over?

Well I called up the nurses today and left a message. They rang me back pretty quickly, confirmed my BFN. Asked me if I was still taking the Endometrin, I mentioned that I hadn’t taken any yesterday and that I hadn’t been having my full dose over the past few days (because of how gross it is to do during a suspected miscarriage bleed). She mentioned something about trace levels of hcg but how it’s definitely a BFN. My brain was too fuzzy at the time to ask what that meant, so afterwards I was wondering if that meant that I was pregnant, was having a “normal” bleed and that my lack of Endometrin ultimately sealed the BFN. Rational part of me tells me, no, I had a miscarriage and there was nothing that I could do about it. Irrational part of tells me that I’m the one to blame.

Anyway, she also told me to make a follow up appointment with the doc for the following week, as we’ll definitely have the biopsy results for the frozen embie by then. And that at my next Day 1, to give them a call to sort out my next stimmie or FET round. And! Then she said, “Good luck for your next time. Surely it’ll be your time next time, you’ve been through enough already.”

Ok, so I wasn’t upset or anything by that, coz I kind of do feel like that I’ve been through enough already to be able to handle whatever comes my way. But I dunno, I mean, was what she said borderline inappropriate? As I said, not upset by it, but I just found it weird.

So I don’t plan to call the Doc’s office to sort out the next steps. They can call me. Or I’ll call them later when I’m ready to. I suspect that the Doc may give me a call anyway, but I’m not sure.

I just feel so exhausted at the moment. We had 2 months of interviews that went over and over the same information again with different people, then 6 months of sitting around waiting for the lab to work out how to test for our gene defect, and now 4 stimmie rounds later, 8 embryos from 53 eggs collected and with only 2 ETs performed and an accompany 100% miscarriage strike rate. You know, along with full time work, dealing with both family and random people who have no idea what they’re talking about when they give their unsolicited opinions or fertility advice (!!!!), and watching lots and lots of people give birth to their first, second and third children. And I know that’s wonderful and all, but I can only find so much joy in sitting in the sidelines.

At the end of the day, it could be worse. Like for our friend, who’s popping around later to get her bald chemo head painted for a wig party and who is battling breast cancer. Hubby and I have each other and we have Bubsy and there is no immediate threat to our mortality. We have secure jobs, we own a house (along with our bank – no, I don’t own a bank, the bank owns part of our house), we can get out and about and have fun.

Hubby did ask if I wanted to stop trying for a second child. I said sometimes.

Let’s just see what the next couple of weeks bring.