My mother is a hoarder

A year ago my parents re-carpeted their house. At the time I went around, cleared out everything from my old room and put all the “rubbish” into bags to be disposed of. Post re-carpeting, my room looks near the same as it used to be. Things that I had bagged up to throw out my mum had retrieved. E.g. the purple star clock that is BROKEN and that we bought from a market when I was 12, a photo of myself and an ex-bestie-now-mortal-enemy from my teenage years, a dolphin ring that my mum thought that she had bought for me [No mum, I got that from my ex when I was 18…].

Last week I popped around to visit my parents with bubsy. My mum mentioned that there was a drawer full of clothes that she didn’t know whether she should throw out or not. I had a look. The drawer contained underwear from when I was a teenager! Like, when I was, like, 15. Like, it’s, like, been, like, over 15 years ago! Some had frayed elastic, some were pilling. Seriously, and she didn’t know if she could get rid of them?!

The drawer also contained other underwear and bras that my mum had either bought on sale and I always refused to wear (think garish coloured satin underwear – I’m a cotton briefs kind of girl!) and ugly, lacy bras that were too big [“Well, they didn’t fit you then, maybe they fit now?” … “No, mum! They didn’t fit then and they don’t fit now!”]. Still, we had to go through them all sort into the throw out pile, the charity donations pile, and the, “Oh, they’re still good, I’ll give them to Aunty Josephine or her daughters [aged 35 and 37!]” pile.

Omg. Seriously!

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A bit of good news!

Ah. Hubby went in for one of his yearly checks. Heart pumping efficiency raised from nearing single digits % to double that! He’s in a good mood. He’s trying not to get too happy about it yet, not until he sees his doc. All he’s hoping for his that the doc says good things so that he can enjoy his summer holidays. It’s definitely the little things that count!

What if…

what if question

So it’s day one of taking the mini pill. I must say that going into our fourth round of treatment, I feel trepidation. I mean, first round was exciting, in the second I expected it to work (especially after 17 eggs were collected!), I went into the third round with no expectations, and this time I’m just worried. What if it doesn’t work again? And when I say “work” I don’t even necessarily mean that we get pregnant. I just want to collect a good number of eggs and have half of them fertilise like they statistically should.

I just feel that if it doesn’t work again, I might give up. I’m not sure if I could go through it again with four failed IVF cycles.

I know that I shouldn’t dwell on it and that thinking about it like this won’t help me over the next couple of months, but it’s kind of hard not to.

But I mean, aside from that I’m ok. Hubby and I seem to have recovered from our distressing time after the last failed cycle and we’re back to normal. My mother-in-law has also returned to normal (whatever that actually is!) and can speak to us in a relaxed manner and not end every conversation with a fight. Bubsy continues to expand his vocabulary and repertoire of songs (he’s been learning Jingle Bells, Santa Clause is Coming to Town and I Can Sing a Rainbow at childcare and randomly breaks out into them at home – with his own version of the lyrics!). And I had a very successful day at the markets on Saturday selling my gear.

It’s just this continuous nagging feeling I have. The “what if it doesn’t work again?” Sigh.

Rose tinted

It’s all come clear! I’ve been so super depressed and down coz I have been having PMS. I mean, I would have been this way even without the PMS, but at least I now know why I’ve been sooooooooo down.

Aunty Flo arrived this morning. So I called the nurse to book in the next EC – unfortunately it’s going to be a long wait. It won’t be until 23rd January 2015! I guess that’s a similar wait time to what we’ve had previously, if you factor in the Christmas holidays. But it would have been nice to get it done by the end of the year. They did say that the lab that does the PGD testing will let them know if anything earlier comes up, like it did with my last cycle. But I’m not holding my breath for this one.

Anyway, so it’s good that I’m in such a better mood today. But a bit meh that we have to wait a good two months before the next EC.

Life goes on!

Filter-less friends

The hangover effect: I must rant on.

“…I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through IVF and that it hasn’t been working out…. no one should have to be patient with that….”

What are you sorry for exactly? Sorry that we are going through IVF? Or sorry that we carry a genetic condition that can result in, statistically speaking, half of our children inheriting the incurable and life threatening disease? Or sorry that Hubby already has this condition? Or are you sorry that it hasn’t been working out?

And if you had asked me, which you haven’t, even though I told this information to your wife in confidence and you deemed it appropriate to feed it back through to my Hubby at your own son’s christening, I am not sorry that we are doing IVF. IVF means that we can have children free from a life threatening condition. IVF means that many other people have the chance to try for children, where that possibility wouldn’t have existed for them otherwise. We’re not there yet, but it doesn’t mean it’s “not working out”. Do you have any idea what it’s even taken for us to get to this point? We have so far spent more time doing genetic testing than we have the actual IVF process – so really, we’re only part of our way there.

Do you even know what emotional turmoil IVF puts you through? Do you know what it’s like to deal with having a life threatening condition, which only deteriorates over time? Perhaps you do? I wouldn’t know. But I wouldn’t presume to know how you feel and then to give you unsolicited opinions what you should or should not have to deal with IF you had confided to me about it. I definitely wouldn’t bring it up if I had heard about something personal to do with you through the grapevine.

Ok, rant over.

Other hangover effects. I woke up so angry this morning. Hubby has been angry all yesterday afternoon and this morning. We didn’t even speak to each other this morning. I’m not even particularly angry or offended that this particular insensitive and ignorant d* actively sought out to speak to Hubby about us doing IVF. I’m just kind of surprised that he would be so stupid and completely lacking in EQ. But it’s made an already difficult week even harder.

I think I’ve been coping with it better than Hubby. Note the word “coping” and not “dealing” – we are just coping. Hubby has severe guilts, he feels that it is his fault that we are doing IVF, his fault that so many of the embryos that we have been able to test have been affected and that it’s his fault that we are using an “unnatural” process to have a child.

Of course it’s not Hubby’s fault, but it is how he feels.

It’s not all terrible. It’s extremely emotionally taxing. But we still find happy moments throughout the day. Yesterday while blow drying my hair, Bubsy suddenly says to me: “Hey Mummy, you look pretty cool!” Lol! We also watched Modern Family together and giggled at all the funny bits, even though I’m pretty sure Bubsy only really understood the bits of dialogue about Jay’s birthday.

8:15am catch up with Doc tomorrow. I really hope Hubby feels better after it.

Some people are so dumb

So clearly we’re having a tough week. And since the first dreaded phone call on the Tuesday I’ve been finding it hard to unwind. I just can’t seem to calm my mind down and spend most nights on the internet until at least midnight just googling this and that – I know that doesn’t help in the unwinding department, but you know, it happens.

Today we had a christening to go of a the son of a close friend of mine. Hubby doesn’t really like her or her husband; I don’t like the husband a whole heap either. But it’s not an issue, I rarely see my friend’s hubby, and my Hubby rarely sees either of them.

Anyway, I’ve told my friend about us going through IVF, although she doesn’t know all about Hubby’s condition.

I know that if you tell something to someone, then that person is going to tell their partner. I have no issues with that.

Us going through IVF is not a tightly guarded secret, but we are selective in who we tell. I haven’t told most of my friends about Hubby’s condition because Hubby doesn’t like it to be widely known. Even a lot of his “new” friends don’t know about it, and by “new” I mean anyone he’s met in the last 10 years. Less than a handful of my friends know about the IVF and it’s the same for Hubby, I believe – we haven’t told each other who knows!

Anyway, as we’re leaving the post-christening cocktail party, my friend’s hubby says to my Hubby, “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through IVF and that it hasn’t been working out…. no one should have to be patient with that….” What a dumbarse! Seriously! I know for sure that my friend does not go around telling people that we’re doing IVF – it’s just not something that you do. Why would you not understand, or even assume, that it’s an off topic conversation and that it was told in confidence between the original party?! Why would you bring up IVF with someone that you see perhaps once a year? And the whole “…no one should have to be patient with that…”, I mean, wtf? Why do people insist on trying to sympathise with people on things that they know nothing about? Don’t they know to just keep quiet?

Dumb-arse.

Sigh.

Round 3 over

Well it’s been a tumultuous couple of days. I got a call from Doc’s office again yesterday. I kind of knew what was coming as soon as I saw her number flash up on my mobile. Both of the embryos tested came back positive for the dodgy gene. So no embryo transfer this time around.

I wasn’t nearly as upset as I was the day before. I was assuming that it wouldn’t work as soon as we got the initial phone calls. Anyway, it does really emphasize how lucky we were with Bubsy not being affected. I mean, that’s altogether eight embryos tested and only two have come back unaffected.

So yesterday I told Doc that we were going to wait until after Christmas before starting a new round. She said that we could go in for a chat with her, but after asking if there was really anything new for us to consider, she said no. But she did say she’d start writing up a new plan for our next treatment round, involving trying a slightly different combination of drugs.

Anyway, Hubby was in bed and super depressed by the time I got home yesterday afternoon (I left work early again!). He did a bit of rant about losing confidence in the whole IVF process – how could we possibly only get eight good embryos from three cycles and a total of 43 eggs collected, including just one each from the last two cycles, when we apparently don’t have fertility issues – and how much more of this is it going to take. And then how unnatural this whole baby making process is.

So I let him be for awhile. I made a massamam curry. Then while it was simmering I went back to Hubby. He ranted a bit more. I ranted a bit. He ranted about his work. I said that I could top that and ranted about my work. Then he felt better and we both got up and ate the massamam curry on the deck.

We decided that we would go straight back in for another treatment cycle. I had come to that conclusion on my walk home from the train station earlier that day.

I rang Doc’s office this morning to make an appointment for chat (more for Hubby’s sake than mine, I seem to be ok with it all) and also to let her know that we’re keen to do treatment asap. It’s only been five days post egg collection, so I guess I have a few more up my sleeve before Aunty Flo comes along. Maybe I’ll spend Christmas day in surgery doing an egg collection!

For now, I’m going to keep drinking copious amounts of coffee and eating cured salmon and poached eggs.