One day of respite – but it’s a good thing

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I’m doing something crazy – again. So I had my follow up beta test yesterday to confirm that hcg levels were dropping (from 5.2!). Apparently it was also to close out a few things, like check that I didn’t have an ectopic pregnancy. The nurse told me that it had definitely dropped – to 2. Then she said that I could call up on my next day one to schedule in my next FET. I asked if I could use my current day 1 and she said yes.

So that was that. I mean, wasn’t sure if it was a good idea and I hadn’t discussed it with hubby. So I put the question to the doc and he said it was fine to go ahead. Then I told hubby, and after a roundabout discussion I finally got him to say that he wanted to do it. At first he was very “it’s up to you” as he didn’t want to seem to be pushing me into the decision. On the flipside, I wanted to know that he was 100% behind the idea.

Anyway, I had to get it all sorted out quickly, like getting the doc to put through this cycle’s order, pick up the drugs so that I could start my day 3 injections tonight, calling the nurses to get it into the system.But all good, most of it is done. I just need to duck out of work early this afternoon to go and collect the drugs.

Pros:

  • no sitting around for the next 4 weeks being antsy and waiting for my next day 1
  • find out sooner rather than later whether this cycle is going to work
  • if it doesn’t work, can move on sooner with life!
  • if we waited for the next day 1, we might’ve ended up with a Christmas baby! Not that there’s anything wrong with Christmas babies, and in reality, we’d be happy with any healthy baby!

Cons:

  • no respite from the crazies

So today is my one day of respite from hormone induced crazies. You could say that yesterday was too, given that my hcg level was at 2. But yesterday was my sad day. I put it down to being in the sad stage of those stages of grieving. If anyone asked me how I was doing yesterday, I would’ve just broken down in tears.

Anyway, tonight I start low level injections again to get the follies going. I need to book in a scan for next week. And we’re good to go.

Fingers crossed!

Brain dump

Ok, now that I’m off the crazies, here’s where I’m at.

Next time, because hopefully there will be at least one more next time, no HPTs! Every other time my gut instinct has been correct. I don’t need the HPTs to sprinkle in more confusion.

Pros of this fail: at least the low levels of progesterone in my body (coz I definitely didn’t have a high enough level of it!) means that my period this time around is not as gross as it usually is. It’s nearly gone and it’s only been 2.5 days.

And I’ve been able to drink copious amounts of coffee and tea again. Well, I still try to keep to a 200mg caffeine daily intake limit.

Cons: well, that’s obvious, isn’t it?

I have one more embryo in the bank. I have no idea what quality, number of cells, etc, that it is. Only that it’s passed PGD and chromosonal testing. Being the planner that I am, I’m already thinking ahead to what if it doesn’t work. I mean, if it works and it goes well, it means that I get to go out and buy stylish maternity clothes, cute baby things and start rearranging the house. But when you get to this stage, you just assume that nothing is going to work. That was kind of my attitude going into this FET just passed. I was hopeful, of course, but expecting the worst.

Anyway, as I said, I’m assuming that the last embryo one won’t work. And after 3 years, 6 IVF cycles, 1 hysteroscopy, hundreds of injections and a tonne of money later (I’m talking, luxury car), I’m at breaking point. No, I reached breaking point a few cycles back. It’s more, I really don’t think that I can handle anymore of the emotional toll. It’s tough on everyone and everything: me, hubby, todsy, my marriage, my relationships (or lack there of) with family and friends, work, the dog. Everything.

If the doc told me that he could 100% guarantee that the next IVF cycle would work, then I’d be like, sure, give me my injections. But we all know that he can’t say that, so where does that leave us? It seems that we have tried all strategies and options available to us and it’s just not working. The doc did mention last time that we hadn’t reached a stage where he would want to investigate actual infertility issues with me, suggesting that we’d need to have done around 10 failed transfers before he would become concerned – we’re at 4. But our problem is that it’s so hard for us to even get any embryos suitable for transfer to begin with.

I’m 32 now, 33 in October. I’ve decided that my cut-off date for having a second child is at 35. I know a lot of people haven’t even had their first child at 35, but that’s just my personal preference. And look, we have a beautiful 4 year old already, so we’re already very, very lucky. So how we manage IVF over the next 2 years or so is the question.

Rightio, I don’t think I had any particular point to make today, so I won’t ramble too much more.

xo

10dp5dt: spots – typical

At home again after going into the clinic for my blood test. Hubby at work. Todsy at kinder. I’m working from home – straight after I post this. So I decided to stay home to wait for results, before going in for an afternoon meeting. I’m glad I did stay home. There’s a good chance that it’s all over. I just went to the toilet and I’m spotting. It looks fresh – diluted, but fresh. A bit like PMS spotting, but with less CM.

I’m feeling neutral at this stage? I mean, last night I was getting hopeful about we’d finally gotten a pregnancy out of all this. And now I’m spotting. And I feel a little cold and feel like I have a cold coming on, which is a typical PMS symptom of mine. It wouldn’t surprise me, last time I did a FET I started bleeding at 10dp5dt.

Not sure how many hours to go before I get a phone call.

Faint glimmer of hope: 9dp5dt

So I tested this morning and it took ages for a distinguishable second line to show up. It looked faint, no darker than my 8dp5dt HPT.

This afternoon I suddenly felt exhausted. I had been noticing a couple of minor hot flushes (only noticeable as I currently notice EVERYTHING!). So I decided that after I walked the dog tonight I’d test again.

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It’s darker!

It’s still faint, but I swear it’s twice as dark as the other ones that I’ve done. And the line started appearing after one minute instead of three or five.

My spirits are lifting. I really hope that this is the one. I need to be at the clinic in ten hours for my bloods. Well, they open in ten hours and I plan to be there when they open! So time for a quick shower, pick out my clothes for tomorrow, set the alarm for 6am and then bedtime.

Fingers mega-crossed!

Not too long until I’m put out of my misery

So we did another test this morning. The second line was just as faint, if not more, than yesterday’s. I don’t feel pregnant. The only potential symptoms that I have are that:
1. I’m moody as hell; and
2. I’m so tired.

But then again, whenever I’m tired, I get into a pretty foul mood. So am I moody coz of hormones or because I’m tired? Am I tired because I had interrupted sleep two nights ago or because of hormones? But why didn’t the line get any darker?

Sigh.

I might do another test tomorrow morning. But at this stage I think I’ll just wait for an outcome from the bloods.

At least I haven’t started bleeding… not sure what to think!

I peed

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This is 8dp5dt. There’s definitely a faint line – it took the full 3 minutes to develop. I still don’t know what to think. Is it a BFP? Is it pregnyl? Is it a miscarriage?

Based on my usual cycle, today would be 6 days before my next period – the earliest FRER says that you could test. But the rules change when you’re doing IVF, don’t they?

I’ll do another one tonight. This one definitely hasn’t released any of my anxiety.