Like clockworks. Morning blood test, spotting on toilet break, BFN call from the nurse. All over.


Transfer #5: 9dp5dt – lost the plot

The rage is definitely here. I think there’s a good chance that I’m pregnant. Apart from the rage, there aren’t really any other PMS symptoms. But boy, am I angry!

So the pro symptoms:
– super tired
– small bouts of insomnia
– sensitive nipples
– slight (but noticeable) enlargement of boobies over past two day
– loss of appetite
– raging

Usual PMS symptoms are:
– funny sensation in tummy
– hungry
– erratic raging (normally just 24 hours beforehand)
– dehydrated
– insomnia the night before

In my rage and tiredness, I’ve become a complete lazy bum. I literally spent two thirds of yesterday in bed and all of this morning. That is highly unusual for me. I did ask hubby to just give me the next 24 hours to chill. While we have no answers, I just can’t stay focused on anything.

Anyway, about half an hour ago hubby had a go at me and so I cracked it and drove off. I’m currently sitting in a shopping centre carpark like a crazy lady. I thought about driving to my parents for a nap, as they’re currently overseas, but the grand prix is on and there’ll be far too much traffic. So here I am.

I did think about going to see a movie, but the next session of one that I’d go to is another 2 hours away. So I dunno. I’ll do some retail therapy?

Anyway, right now, I just feel really angry. And I’d like to have a big cry. But I just don’t know what to do.

Transfer #5: 8dp5dt – the rage

Feeling down in the dumps today. I got “the rage” earlier on. It’s one of my reliable PMS symptoms 😦 It could’ve been caused from lots of things: being tired and cranky all week; not sleeping properly last night; hubby and todsy doing things to annoy me. But it’s mostly likely PMS.

It’s the weekend. We have nothing on. We tried to go out earlier to do some shopping, which is when I got the rage. I’ve been sitting in bed since we got home. Hubby abandoned me by going for a massage. If anyone needs one, it’s me. He’s also left me home alone with todsy. I know this makes me sounds like a spoilt brat or something, but this is an ongoing issue with hubby. He just ups and goes when he feels like a massage, leaving us stranded at home. Plus I had made it very clear to him that I just wanted to zone out and not do anything, including taking care of todsy.

Now I’m starting to think that perhaps I should POAS tomorrow, to put me out of my misery. My body is feeling as if it hasn’t worked. My gut feeling has not been wrong in all past transfers. Even this morning I told hubby that I wasn’t feeling pregnant. Maybe me not feeling pregnant is the same is me feeling my PMS symptoms. I just want to test and see that there’s no line.

Otherwise, I’ll probably be a total b*tch tomorrow too and snap at everyone and everything.

Transfer #5: 6dp5dt

Indulge me. I’ve resolved to not do any POAS tests this time around, as we all know that they are evil. I’m halfway through my slightly less than 2WW, with the beta due on Monday. If I had to describe how I am feeling, it’d be ‘not pregnant, but tired’.

Like every other time, I feel as though the last of the Pregnyl has now left my body, leaving me feeling a bit empty and ‘not pregnant’. One key difference between this transfer and my previous is my extreme tiredness. I’ve spent most afternoons resting on the couch, with the occasional nanna nap. On Tuesday, after lunch, my eye started ticking like crazy, which happens when I’m super tired. I had yesterday off work. And today I’ve just left work early at 3pm because I feel like I just can’t stay awake.

The fog in my brain this morning was incredible. I could not function.

I am currently incredibly intolerant of stupidity. People stuffing up at work or asking me stupid questions gets me worked up into such a fit of rage (all internalised). I feel like I need to avoid people (including certain family members) at this stage for the benefit of everyone’s health and safety! But am I angry because I’m tired or from the drugs or from real hormones?

I did have tingly boobs for a few days, but that seems to have died down now – due to Pregnyl leaving my body?

Insomnia and exhaustion was the one and only early pregnancy symtom that I had the first time around.

So, I’m hopeful, but still trying to keep it all together.

Transfer #5: 7 days to beta

So it’s been 3 days since the transfer. I speculate about whether this one is going to stick and work out a lot. But at the same time I also think I’m better at not worrying about it too much. It helps that I’ve been keeping myself relatively busy – going out, cooking complex dishes, seeing people…

And I think once I’ve done the transfer, a huge amount of stress disappears. I mean, there’s the whole “2WW” thing, but I’ve done enough to know how to handle it. The trick? Definitely no POAS and ignore all potential pregnancy symtpoms. Easier said than done, you might say. But come 5th transfer and yet to see a healthy baby (or even a positive beta – or even reach the originally scheduled beta test day), you get good at it.

Anyway, as I was saying, stress-be-gone. You get to this stage and there’s really nothing else that you can do except to sit and wait. So in that sense it’s less stressful. But beforehand… I was a complete nutcase. Cracking it over everything, thinking about cancelling the transfer… Even the nurse I saw post-transfer took one look at me and asked if I was OK. So I had a little cry and told her how this was going to be our last attempt for awhile. The nurse was lovely, she’s one of my two favourites. She really made an effort to just spend time chatting to me, making sure I was really OK, getting me to smile a bit, before letting me go. It was a really notable and appreciated gesture.

So it’s back to work tomorrow. Hopefully that keeps me busy and makes the week go faster. The endless waiting game continues!

Transfer #5: 4dpo, what a f*** up!

So about 2 minutes after I posted yesterday and having worked out my “#days dpo”, I realised that I’d made a major f*** up. I had taken a Pregnyl booster on Monday – my 1dpo – as I had in my head that I had to take it on Monday and Thursday. But it’s meant to be next Monday and this Thursday!

I’m so silly! So I’ve called the nurses this morning, just waiting for a call back. Best case scenario is that they say it won’t affect anything. Worst case is that we need to cancel. Sigh. It’s not the end of the world. But I’m not happy right now.

Sit and wait. Keep you posted…

Transfer #5: 3dpo

So my transfer is on Friday, but I’m not thinking about it too much – honestly. I mean, thoughts on it are always hovering, but I’m not obsessing about it.

I have adopted a somewhat negative attitude. Negative but outcome focused? I’m assuming that it’s not going to work. And so I’ve been thinking about my next career move. I’ve been staying in my current job, which is less than satisfying, mostly to keep my maternity leave benefits. That’s three years of doing a crappy job because I keep expecting to fall pregnant. It hasn’t been a terrible job, but not one that I would put up with for this long under normal circumstances.

Anyway, as much as I’ve somewhat ignoring the impending transfer, I can’t escape the side effects of Pregnyl! I’m such a grumpy sh*t at the moment. I whinge non-stop. I feel tired. And I feel quick to anger and flat all at the same time 😐

At least it’s one more day of work. Then I’m taking all of Friday off. And we have a public holiday on Monday. Counting down!!