BFN, but is it over?

Well I called up the nurses today and left a message. They rang me back pretty quickly, confirmed my BFN. Asked me if I was still taking the Endometrin, I mentioned that I hadn’t taken any yesterday and that I hadn’t been having my full dose over the past few days (because of how gross it is to do during a suspected miscarriage bleed). She mentioned something about trace levels of hcg but how it’s definitely a BFN. My brain was too fuzzy at the time to ask what that meant, so afterwards I was wondering if that meant that I was pregnant, was having a “normal” bleed and that my lack of Endometrin ultimately sealed the BFN. Rational part of me tells me, no, I had a miscarriage and there was nothing that I could do about it. Irrational part of tells me that I’m the one to blame.

Anyway, she also told me to make a follow up appointment with the doc for the following week, as we’ll definitely have the biopsy results for the frozen embie by then. And that at my next Day 1, to give them a call to sort out my next stimmie or FET round. And! Then she said, “Good luck for your next time. Surely it’ll be your time next time, you’ve been through enough already.”

Ok, so I wasn’t upset or anything by that, coz I kind of do feel like that I’ve been through enough already to be able to handle whatever comes my way. But I dunno, I mean, was what she said borderline inappropriate? As I said, not upset by it, but I just found it weird.

So I don’t plan to call the Doc’s office to sort out the next steps. They can call me. Or I’ll call them later when I’m ready to. I suspect that the Doc may give me a call anyway, but I’m not sure.

I just feel so exhausted at the moment. We had 2 months of interviews that went over and over the same information again with different people, then 6 months of sitting around waiting for the lab to work out how to test for our gene defect, and now 4 stimmie rounds later, 8 embryos from 53 eggs collected and with only 2 ETs performed and an accompany 100% miscarriage strike rate. You know, along with full time work, dealing with both family and random people who have no idea what they’re talking about when they give their unsolicited opinions or fertility advice (!!!!), and watching lots and lots of people give birth to their first, second and third children. And I know that’s wonderful and all, but I can only find so much joy in sitting in the sidelines.

At the end of the day, it could be worse. Like for our friend, who’s popping around later to get her bald chemo head painted for a wig party and who is battling breast cancer. Hubby and I have each other and we have Bubsy and there is no immediate threat to our mortality. We have secure jobs, we own a house (along with our bank – no, I don’t own a bank, the bank owns part of our house), we can get out and about and have fun.

Hubby did ask if I wanted to stop trying for a second child. I said sometimes.

Let’s just see what the next couple of weeks bring.

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Round 4 – Can we end it now?

Went in for my earlier-than-originally-planned blood test this morning. Well, yesterday morning now. Didn’t get a phone call from a nurse with my results, as I was meant to. And I was kind of too run off my feet to remember to call them to check. So I’ll do it later this morning. It’s 1:40am and I’ve been trying to sleep since 10pm!

I’m feeling rather flat. My big plans were to go get a coffee when my BFN was confirmed. I mean, my body is telling me that I’m definitely not pregnant. I’ve been bleeding consistently for five days now. I know that it hasn’t worked. But I just want the nurse to confirm it before I go drowning my sorrows in caffeine, runny egg yolks and more cold salami.

I also feel like I’ve been too busy, since the Tuesday morning bleed, to find time to sit down and grieve. Part of it is to do with not having that final bit of closure and just refusing to think about it until then. But a lot of it is also to do with Hubby having the biggest meltdown over two days, which meant that I had to pick up the slack around the house and take care of Bubsy, whilst dealing with my bleeding and cramping. Then after that I was super busy at work and still having to do most of the caring for Bubsy. Now Hubby is taking off at 6am to go surfing, won’t be back until after 10am, then we have to take Bubsy to his first swimming lesson at 11am. After that we’ve got a friend coming around so that I can paint her bald head (she’s just been through lots of chemo) for a wig party that she’s off to. By the time that’s done it will be dinner/bath/bed time.

Sigh.

So tomorrow, I’ll call to get my BFN confirmed and try to find out what the next step is. We have one frozen embie in the bank, but we haven’t got the biopsy result on it yet, so we don’t even know if we can use it.

Sleep, answers and caffeine. Is that too much to ask for?

Round 4 – Until Friday

Ok. Here’s the deal. I have to keep taking my Endometrin until Friday, when I can go in for an early blood test (was meant to wait until Monday). I’ve been bleeding constantly for the past 24 hours, so it’s not a good sign. It’s not super heavy like last time, but it’s still a lot.

I didn’t take two doses of Endometrin yesterday. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. But I did go and do one just before. It’s seriously gross, stuff coming out, stuff going in.

And I had two slices of cold salami yesterday afternoon as comfort food.

I was hoping to do a blood test today, get a BFN and then grab a coffee. But I’ll wait.

Bubsy is at my parents tonight, so I when I get home I’ll have a simple dinner and then watch some movies a friend put on DVD for me. Tampopo will be tonight’s choice.

Thanks for all your support so far, ladies.

x

Round 4 – Crap night and crap morning

Last night I told Hubby that I didn’t feel pregnant. He was not happy with my announcement. This morning I had a bleed, had a cry, calmed down and waited for half an hour until the clinic opened so that I could call them. The bleed wasn’t bad, it wasn’t bright red and it was a once off as far as I could tell. Hubby was super unhappy, so then I was having to comfort him! He’s gone from, “tell me everything because you never tell me how you feel” to this morning saying “don’t tell me anything, it’s confusing, you give mixed messages and it makes me anxious.” Whatever!

Anyway, had a chat to the nurse, Sally, who I think I can picture – one of the older nurses, very motherly and calm. She said it sounded like old blood that had just been sitting in the uterus, which was likely to have finally made it’s way out with the help of the Endometrin. She said it could’ve even been sitting there since the egg collection. She told me to just check for any more bleeding throughout the day and to give them a call back this afternoon to give them an update.

So, now I’m not worried. But now I just really don’t know what to think. So I’m opting to not thinking about being pregnant – as much as I can in this ridiculous situation!

Hubby also got me to do a home pregnancy test last night. I don’t know why I agreed, I was still hanging out for this Friday or Saturday. It came out negative of course.

Anyway, at work now, obviously not being very effective with my job. Need to review about five fat folders before the end of the day. Good luck to me.

Round 4 – One week to go…

Ah, this whole 2ww thing. I’m starting to do all those things that they tell you not to do. But I haven’t taken a home pregnancy test yet – I’m saving that for Saturday, or maybe Friday, haven’t decided yet 😉

As much as I try to ignore all the symptoms, they’re just there waiting for my obsessive mind to dwell on them 24 hours/day. So last Friday was hideous – infection, cramps, then my cold. Saturday I was still super tired and more or less in bed all day. Sunday was in bed for most of the day. I’m back at work today, trying to review a $3 billion dollar tender proposal… my brain is not with it. I feel an underlying tiredness, but didn’t wake up feeling as if I’d been hit by a truck. I’m sipping on a ginger tea, I think I want to eat, but I’m not sure. My boobs have definitely gotten a bigger over the past few days. Pimples are popping up randomly all over the place. And Hubby says I have a “glow”. I tell him, my skin is just super oily.

I keep telling myself, just another 7 days until we do the proper blood test.