Round 4 – Can we end it now?

Went in for my earlier-than-originally-planned blood test this morning. Well, yesterday morning now. Didn’t get a phone call from a nurse with my results, as I was meant to. And I was kind of too run off my feet to remember to call them to check. So I’ll do it later this morning. It’s 1:40am and I’ve been trying to sleep since 10pm!

I’m feeling rather flat. My big plans were to go get a coffee when my BFN was confirmed. I mean, my body is telling me that I’m definitely not pregnant. I’ve been bleeding consistently for five days now. I know that it hasn’t worked. But I just want the nurse to confirm it before I go drowning my sorrows in caffeine, runny egg yolks and more cold salami.

I also feel like I’ve been too busy, since the Tuesday morning bleed, to find time to sit down and grieve. Part of it is to do with not having that final bit of closure and just refusing to think about it until then. But a lot of it is also to do with Hubby having the biggest meltdown over two days, which meant that I had to pick up the slack around the house and take care of Bubsy, whilst dealing with my bleeding and cramping. Then after that I was super busy at work and still having to do most of the caring for Bubsy. Now Hubby is taking off at 6am to go surfing, won’t be back until after 10am, then we have to take Bubsy to his first swimming lesson at 11am. After that we’ve got a friend coming around so that I can paint her bald head (she’s just been through lots of chemo) for a wig party that she’s off to. By the time that’s done it will be dinner/bath/bed time.

Sigh.

So tomorrow, I’ll call to get my BFN confirmed and try to find out what the next step is. We have one frozen embie in the bank, but we haven’t got the biopsy result on it yet, so we don’t even know if we can use it.

Sleep, answers and caffeine. Is that too much to ask for?

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