A few weeks ago I posted about a particular filterless friend. Now I have a story about filterless family. Actually, I have many stories about filterless family!!! But this is just a snippety one.
So my lovely and heavily pregnant cousin was over on Christmas Day. Both my brother and I gave her presents for her little bubba (due to arrive any day now!). When I handed my gift over, my filterless aunty says, “Oh, we [the royal] don’t give presents until we see the baby.”
What she is implying here, stems from cultural traditions of not seeing the mother or baby until the baby is one month old and still alive. So, you know, we’re talking about a tradition that came from a practise centuries old, when childbirth was a scary and dangerous thing!
The silly and underlying message she is giving (and I’m not reading into this too much!), is that she still believes that something could go wrong with the unborn child. So, stupid thing to say in front of my cousin, yeah? What’s even more stupid and insensitive about it is that my brother did actually lose a young baby at just four months old – did her giving the baby a gift after she saw the baby make a difference?
Well, aunty, for you information, we’ve already had a baby shower for my cousin and showered her and her baby in gifts! She is going to have a beautiful baby (a boy!) and your silly comments are not welcome!
So doing IVF involves a lot of waiting. Everything about it revolves around waiting for the next step. Between every last failed cycle and the next, I have to wait until Aunty Flo comes again. Then I start taking the pill and wait some more. This is where I’m at, at the moment. My next EC is meant to be on 23 January 2015 (I’ve been waiting since my last failed cycle in November 2014). I am currently waiting for a phone call from the PDG nurse to tell me when I can go and collect my next batch of drugs and start my injections. I’ve had a few phone calls from Doc’s admin crew already – to tell me to pay up…
Given that I’m on holidays at the moment, and have just finished the crazy round of Christmas gatherings (two families, one birthday, one random visiting relo’s lunch), I now find time to be moving slowly. We did want to go away today (got a new tent from the MIL – we want to test it out!), but Hubby has made surfing plans for the 29 Dec, which he doesn’t want to cancel. So we’re just kind of hanging out at home and doing the occasional day outing here and there. Meanwhile, I sit here (sometimes literally, sometimes figuratively) waiting for a phone call!
And it’s not like I get to start the injections straight away, I have to firstly wait for another round of Aunty Flo’s antics and then start. Then there’s a double dose of scans, some fasting, an EC, waiting to hopefully not get a direct call from Doc, waiting for a text message from the clinic advising me of the transfer time, then THE 2ww [that’s “two week wait”, between the transfer and the blood test to see if you’re preggers]…. I’ve never been able to get through a 2ww, so who knows what happens from then on. Well, I do know, but you know, let me just wade through my current pond of waiting first!
Ok, so I’m into week four of taking the mini pill. I am overtired, depressed, grumpy and angry. I’m not sure how much of it is due to me being tired – the last few weeks at work were crazy and stressful, and then when I went on leave we had an unsuccessful camping trip. Think, Bubsy saying “I want to go home” every 10 minutes, starting around 4am most days!
Anyway, I just can’t remember if the counsellor in our compulsory counselling session, a good 6 months or more ago now, told us about how hard doing IVF is. I mean, I’m sure she did tell us how hard it can be, but I just don’t know if she successfully communicated all the potential issues that come from it. All I remember is that I found her a bit patronising! Her worst comment was, “Oh, people would look at you and think that you’re the lucky ones coz you are fertile!” Um, actually, I don’t think anyone doing IVF would consider another couple doing IVF to be lucky, especially when we’re trying to eliminate a life-threatening condition that Hubby has!
So, my current feelings. I question my marriage, how compatible Hubby and I are, are we really ready for a second child, is it really a good idea for us to have a second child… and we fight. I know that I am currently overtired. I know that I’m extra emotional as I’d normally be having my period now. I know that in my second IVF attempt, I went so crazy that for a couple of nights I was having very dark thoughts about my life. But how much of these feelings that I’m having can be contributed to me being on a cycle and being overtired? How much of my feelings are due to how I really feel?
Whatever the answer may be, let’s just say IVF sucks. I’m so over it. I’ve been so distracted and disengaged all year. People all around me are having their second and third children and I just can’t feel happy for them coz I can’t feel anything for anyone else! I just don’t give a sh*t. I’m just so focussed on myself these days – but not in a good way.