Brain dump

Ok, now that I’m off the crazies, here’s where I’m at.

Next time, because hopefully there will be at least one more next time, no HPTs! Every other time my gut instinct has been correct. I don’t need the HPTs to sprinkle in more confusion.

Pros of this fail: at least the low levels of progesterone in my body (coz I definitely didn’t have a high enough level of it!) means that my period this time around is not as gross as it usually is. It’s nearly gone and it’s only been 2.5 days.

And I’ve been able to drink copious amounts of coffee and tea again. Well, I still try to keep to a 200mg caffeine daily intake limit.

Cons: well, that’s obvious, isn’t it?

I have one more embryo in the bank. I have no idea what quality, number of cells, etc, that it is. Only that it’s passed PGD and chromosonal testing. Being the planner that I am, I’m already thinking ahead to what if it doesn’t work. I mean, if it works and it goes well, it means that I get to go out and buy stylish maternity clothes, cute baby things and start rearranging the house. But when you get to this stage, you just assume that nothing is going to work. That was kind of my attitude going into this FET just passed. I was hopeful, of course, but expecting the worst.

Anyway, as I said, I’m assuming that the last embryo one won’t work. And after 3 years, 6 IVF cycles, 1 hysteroscopy, hundreds of injections and a tonne of money later (I’m talking, luxury car), I’m at breaking point. No, I reached breaking point a few cycles back. It’s more, I really don’t think that I can handle anymore of the emotional toll. It’s tough on everyone and everything: me, hubby, todsy, my marriage, my relationships (or lack there of) with family and friends, work, the dog. Everything.

If the doc told me that he could 100% guarantee that the next IVF cycle would work, then I’d be like, sure, give me my injections. But we all know that he can’t say that, so where does that leave us? It seems that we have tried all strategies and options available to us and it’s just not working. The doc did mention last time that we hadn’t reached a stage where he would want to investigate actual infertility issues with me, suggesting that we’d need to have done around 10 failed transfers before he would become concerned – we’re at 4. But our problem is that it’s so hard for us to even get any embryos suitable for transfer to begin with.

I’m 32 now, 33 in October. I’ve decided that my cut-off date for having a second child is at 35. I know a lot of people haven’t even had their first child at 35, but that’s just my personal preference. And look, we have a beautiful 4 year old already, so we’re already very, very lucky. So how we manage IVF over the next 2 years or so is the question.

Rightio, I don’t think I had any particular point to make today, so I won’t ramble too much more.

xo

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