Where I’m at…

Ok, here’s where I’m at. So yesterday the doc called me to let me know that the one embryo we had was affected by the condition that we’re trying to screen out. This means we are back at square one, which is most definitely still not pregnant. I felt like I knew that this was going to be the case since the clinic first called to tell me that we only had one embryo suitable for testing. So over the past two weeks I had more or less been preparing myself for the bad news.

I wasn’t overly emotional yesterday. I took the doctor’s call in one of the meeting rooms at work – all of which have glass walls! So I had to sit facing the one solid wall, have the chat, have a quick cry, wait until my tears dried up and then go back to my desk. I did go out a bit after that to buy myself a coffee (the second for the day – I normally only drink coffee 2-3 times per week), but aside from that I was ok.

Hubby is all anti-IVF and anti-the-clinic and unhappy with the doctor. I had been feeling a bit let down by the whole process, but now I’m back in neutral territory. If anything, I have the renewed sense of ‘we’re doing the right thing’ and ‘how lucky are we to have had bubsy the traditional way and for him to have escaped inheriting the condition?’ So, you know, it’s all good.

Hubby thinks we should abandon IVF altogether. He’s been saying that since rounds 3 and 4. I still think IVF is our pathway. I still feel confident with the system and our doctor. Nothing they’ve done has made me feel uncomfortable or nervous. I’m thinking that I’d like to catch up with the doctor in September, before we go on our little interstate trip, so that we can start Round 6 after we get back. I’d like to get one more round in before the end of the year. If it doesn’t work this next time, then I’d wait until 2016 before we try again and just take it slowly from there.

We still have lots of positives on our side. I’m in my early 30s. There has been nothing to indicate that we have fertility issues. We have a very healthy child. Bar the condition that keeps appearing in our embryos, the last lot of testing showed that we apparently have very good genetics.

So, there’ll be a slow introduction of my proposed strategy to hubby. I mean, he wants to do it the traditional way, test the embryo if I get pregnant and then decide what to do. But ultimately, I think that if I was pregnant, then I’d keep the baby regardless. In fact, I’d probably refuse to have the embryo tested. I mean, both Hubby and his mum and others in his family have the condition. And where it has been detected, doctors have been able to manage the condition and have everyone live a good quality of life. We also know that having the gene defect doesn’t always mean that the condition will emerge, nor does it give any indication of how severe (or light) the condition will be. Plus, really, the traditional way means:

– 3 months to get pregnant (assumed!)
– test at 6 weeks
– immediate abortion if embryo affected (if that’s what we wanted)
– physical recovery
– emotional recovery (would I ever really recover?)
– try again…

That to me looks like a minimum 6 month process in itself!

We have been doing the right thing. I know it!

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3 thoughts on “Where I’m at…

  1. Im sorry to read that 😦 i can visualise you in a meeting room and feel sad that you had to mourn, suck it up, then pretend all ok to the corporate world. I have done that too & its a little lonely, particularly when hubby is not in board. Hugs, power and strength to you for the waiting game, sounds like you still have a fantastic, strong attitude which is awesome 🙂 x

    Liked by 1 person

    • So much experience with the meeting room phone call! I’ve only ever burst out in tears once afterwards – back when I was a round 3 rookie! But at this age (the equivalent of a corporate world old timer), I feel no embarrassment! Thanks for your thoughts x

      Liked by 1 person

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