Ramble and babble

So I’m having a life crisis. No, not really. But I have decided to go vegetarian and sign up for a yoga course. This is what all the 30-somethings in chick flicks seem to do when they go through a bad break up or their cat dies or something.

I didn’t sleep well at all last week. On Sunday morning, at 2am, I came to realise that the real reason for me not sleeping well was all the stress and anxiety that I am under. I mean, I had a little phase of denial after the BFN last Thursday, then I got really angry, and then I’ve just been stressing out about everything. Did I mention that the job interview I had on Thursday afternoon went terribly? Maybe not too bad, but it wasn’t totally awesome, as I was expecting. I babbled my way through a bit, did it all very quickly (the interview went for less than 15 minutes), and basically couldn’t wait to get out of there. As a result, I spent all weekend replaying the interview questions in my head and answering them as I should have. Anyway, I decided to draft a “I had a sh*t morning and didn’t do well – can we do it again?” email to send to the HR rep. Sent it through this morning, we’ll see how it goes.

So the point of that story is I need to relax. I know that I won’t take time out for myself at home. Therefore the next best thing to do is to sign up for a yoga class, pay for it, and then go once a week. I hope it helps me chill out a bit, relax, and sleep better.

That’s where I am.

My next IVF step is to call the doctor for an appointment to talk about where to go from here. Four failed IVF rounds later, I’m hoping she’s got some amazing miracle up her sleeves! I’m at that point where I’ll be happy to keep paying, if I can be guaranteed that we’ll have a strong and healthy baby within, even say, 5 years? If it’s not going to work, I’ll stop, and embrace the fact that we will be a 3-person family forever and start focusing my time and energy on Bubsy, Hubby and myself. But there are no guarantees, are there?

I think I could do it, be a 3-person family. Hubby really wants a second child. I feel like I’m always one step ahead of Hubby when it comes to acceptance and realisation of reality when it comes to IVF. So I wonder if he will also come to embrace our existing 3-person family. Of course, this is all speculation. To date, we’ve had not medical advice to suggest that we can’t have a second child. So we’ll just have to wait to see what the Doc says. I guess I should go and call her now.


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