FET#1 BFN – Back to Square One

So this time around I stayed away from the blogosphere. I felt that I didn’t need it to help me manage my stresses and anxieties. But we’re now back at square one. In summary:

Day of transfer

Arrived, feeling good, until the doctor (not my usual) opened his mouth. *sigh* He mentioned the transfer and how we had another 2 frozen embies in the bank. Hubby and I were like, um, no we don’t. He was like, I’m sure you do. We’re like, we’re sure we don’t. Then the embryologist comes in and is all, you have two frozen ones. Meanwhile, I was getting more and more agitated, so I asked, “Are you sure you have the right ones and that we’re transferring our embryos today and not someone else’s?”

Then this chick was full on trying to prove us wrong and goes on about our frozen ones from September. So I told her that we froze two in September, did another IVF round in November, had them thawed and tested and then discarded them because they were no good. But she just kept on going!!! Even as the doc was trying to get the speculum positioned (I don’t know why he couldn’t do it like the other doctors, he had me reclined right back so that my head was down low and my legs in the air and still couldn’t get it right!), she was going on and on about it. Oh man.

Then the doctor started questioning us and asked, “Oh, are you sure you didn’t do the IVF, decide to do PGD and so then froze them?” I retorted with a, “The only reason we’re doing IVF is so that we can do PGD!” I was like, seriously, can we just do the transfer without any talking!

So I don’t mind if people make an error, but then to assume a snobby air of ‘well I’m the “expert” here and therefore I’m right and you’re wrong’. Eesh. Anyway, someone else called me later to confirm that we didn’t have any embryos frozen. Whoever called had much better bedside manners.

2WW

So I was pretty good for the first 5 days. Didn’t read into any bodily changes much. I did have a terrible tension headache all the time. And I was starting to get fatigued. On Day 4 I had some cramping and that PMS feeling in my abs, as I often get. No spotting. Lots of hot flushes. Around Day 7 I started the obsessive behaviour. Lots of forum googling. I caved and did a HPT and got a BFN. Did another the next day and got a BFN. My fatigue increased.

Then on the morning of Day 10 I suddenly got that feeling that my period was coming and I flipped out. Luckily I had taken the day off work (project canceled, directors on leave, it was quiet in the office!), so did a bit of youtubing to keep my mind occupied. Hubby, bubsy and the mother-in-law had been to the movies to see Spongebob, so I met up with them afterwards for lunch (I opted not to watch the Spongebob movie after seeing the trailer!). Hubby was spaced out from the movie, bubsy was upset because “Mummy, Daddy’s not talking to me” and the MIL was being her usual charming self [please reread the last clause with lots of sarcasm]. The whole situation was getting me worked up and then I felt this sudden urge of rage, which then made me think, “shit, this is PMS.”

Alas, that evening I noticed some pink discharge. I did another HPT at 5:30am this morning and it was a BFN. Had my scheduled blood test this morning at 8am. An hour and a half later they called me to confirm the BFN.

Back at square 1

So my doc is on leave until next week. I’ll give her a call then, arrange an appointment and see where we go from there. Last time she intimated that we’d need to discuss options and next steps if it didn’t work again. Whatever we do, I think I have one round of IVF left in me. Hubby started talking about the “other option” last night, which is to get pregnant naturally, test, abort if the condition is there. While I’m pro-choice, I’m not sure if I would abort in this scenario (I mean, Hubby has the condition, he is “fine” and has a decent quality of life), and hence not sure if I would even bother to test while pregnant. And at this stage, maybe the problem is me, maybe I can’t get pregnant. Who knows? I won’t waste too much time speculating. I’ll wait to see what the doc says.

To top it off. I have a farewell lunch with a girl going on maternity leave for the second time today. And then I have a job interview at 3pm.

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