Ok, so I’m into week four of taking the mini pill. I am overtired, depressed, grumpy and angry. I’m not sure how much of it is due to me being tired – the last few weeks at work were crazy and stressful, and then when I went on leave we had an unsuccessful camping trip. Think, Bubsy saying “I want to go home” every 10 minutes, starting around 4am most days!
Anyway, I just can’t remember if the counsellor in our compulsory counselling session, a good 6 months or more ago now, told us about how hard doing IVF is. I mean, I’m sure she did tell us how hard it can be, but I just don’t know if she successfully communicated all the potential issues that come from it. All I remember is that I found her a bit patronising! Her worst comment was, “Oh, people would look at you and think that you’re the lucky ones coz you are fertile!” Um, actually, I don’t think anyone doing IVF would consider another couple doing IVF to be lucky, especially when we’re trying to eliminate a life-threatening condition that Hubby has!
So, my current feelings. I question my marriage, how compatible Hubby and I are, are we really ready for a second child, is it really a good idea for us to have a second child… and we fight. I know that I am currently overtired. I know that I’m extra emotional as I’d normally be having my period now. I know that in my second IVF attempt, I went so crazy that for a couple of nights I was having very dark thoughts about my life. But how much of these feelings that I’m having can be contributed to me being on a cycle and being overtired? How much of my feelings are due to how I really feel?
Whatever the answer may be, let’s just say IVF sucks. I’m so over it. I’ve been so distracted and disengaged all year. People all around me are having their second and third children and I just can’t feel happy for them coz I can’t feel anything for anyone else! I just don’t give a sh*t. I’m just so focussed on myself these days – but not in a good way.
Sigh. Sorry to be so negative!