What if…

what if question

So it’s day one of taking the mini pill. I must say that going into our fourth round of treatment, I feel trepidation. I mean, first round was exciting, in the second I expected it to work (especially after 17 eggs were collected!), I went into the third round with no expectations, and this time I’m just worried. What if it doesn’t work again? And when I say “work” I don’t even necessarily mean that we get pregnant. I just want to collect a good number of eggs and have half of them fertilise like they statistically should.

I just feel that if it doesn’t work again, I might give up. I’m not sure if I could go through it again with four failed IVF cycles.

I know that I shouldn’t dwell on it and that thinking about it like this won’t help me over the next couple of months, but it’s kind of hard not to.

But I mean, aside from that I’m ok. Hubby and I seem to have recovered from our distressing time after the last failed cycle and we’re back to normal. My mother-in-law has also returned to normal (whatever that actually is!) and can speak to us in a relaxed manner and not end every conversation with a fight. Bubsy continues to expand his vocabulary and repertoire of songs (he’s been learning Jingle Bells, Santa Clause is Coming to Town and I Can Sing a Rainbow at childcare and randomly breaks out into them at home – with his own version of the lyrics!). And I had a very successful day at the markets on Saturday selling my gear.

It’s just this continuous nagging feeling I have. The “what if it doesn’t work again?” Sigh.

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